I think I have said this before, I love my job. I am excellent at my job. I cannot live without my job. I studied hard and long and I have been working the past 11 years to get to where I am. It is not something I am about to give up.
Now, when Gerhard and I started dating 17 years ago (goodness, has it really been that long), we were still very naive and we imagined that one of us would stay home with the kids when we have them. As we grew older and started careers, we always jokingly said that the one who earned least when we have our first kid would become a stay at home parent.
As time progressed and we had real kids, we realised that we both wanted (and needed) to work. We can easily afford for one of us to stay at home full time, but Gerhard knows that I will drop down dead if I have to be a stay at home mommy. So we compromise. Liam went to a day mother when he was 6 months old and I moved him to a school (well its called a stimulation centre) at 8 months. Because of the fact that I stayed at home for 6 months after having Liam, he went to school later than the average working mom's baby.
With Liam I seriously had severe post-natal depression. I never fully understood how debilitating depression could be until experiencing it first hand. Now I believe that this was partly due to Liam's very traumatic birth, but secondly, due to me spending way too much time on my own and on that old faithful, google...
SO this time around I decided that I would stay at home for 2 months, and partially return to work thereafter. This means that I will do the bulk of my work from home, and I will go into the office a couple of times a week. I have been training Sekai for this, she knows everything she needs to know, she is an angel and she loves Luka like her own.
Luka's place in the baby centre has been booked and she will be joining other babies there on 1 August when she is 3 and a half months old. Yes, its young, but I seriously need to get back to work full time from 2 weeks thereafter.
So why is it that despite the fact that I have the most understanding husband in the world, despite the fact that I love Luka dearly and that Gerhard and I both agree that Liam is a very clever, well adjusted little boy as a result of the fact that he went to school from a young age I still feel so darn guilty. That I do not know how I will balance all of this. That I sometimes feel like giving in and just becoming the stay at home mommy I am so desperately trying to avoid becoming?
Men will never truly understand how difficult it is to achieve balance, to find time for them, the kids, the job, studies (yes, at my age I am still studying), cooking, feeding, clothing, nursing them back to health.
I cannot remember when last I was sick. I am not talking about a runny nose here, I am talking about stay in bed sick and dying sick. The reason, not my great genes as my husband always jokes, its just that there is simply no time for me to be sick.
My husband is always giving me grief because I am mostly in a hurry, hell yes, its because there are only 24 hours in a day and I need to make up some hours somewhere. So if I can bath a baby in 2 minutes flat as opposed to 20, it means that I made up 18 minutes that can rather be used to read the kids a story. If we can all be dressed and in the kitchen in 30 minutes (a stretch I know) it means we can cook a proper breakfast, and not eat sugary cereals. You see where I am going with this.
Well, guilt trip galore is obviously when I leave Liam at school an hour late and get a facial, massage or even my highlights done again. I have not attempted this with Luka yet, although I am soooo leaving her with Sekai for an hour next week to go for a facial. This week, I actually felt guilty for leaving her with Sekai so that I can get my flabby ass to gym, something much needed.
So I know nothing in the world is ever going to change, I will remain the primary caregiver despite also holding a demanding job. I will be the person kissing the majority of all ailments better, I will be in charge of cooking, cleaning, responsible for deciding where we go for date night, in between I will find 1 minute in the morning to brush my teeth, slap on some make up, I will be sterilising bottles, packing lunches, looking for missing spiderman t-shirts, arranging third birthday parties, working, drafting our wills, getting passports and birth certificates for the kids. And then my husband (that I honestly do love dearly) will come home in the evenings and tell me that I will not believe the day that he just had...yes sweetie, I will never believe it. And then he complains that there is just never time to play golf.
I always knew that woman ruled the world, I just never truly realised how we have morphed into a super species. So to all the mothers out there, this one is for you. . .
Now, when Gerhard and I started dating 17 years ago (goodness, has it really been that long), we were still very naive and we imagined that one of us would stay home with the kids when we have them. As we grew older and started careers, we always jokingly said that the one who earned least when we have our first kid would become a stay at home parent.
As time progressed and we had real kids, we realised that we both wanted (and needed) to work. We can easily afford for one of us to stay at home full time, but Gerhard knows that I will drop down dead if I have to be a stay at home mommy. So we compromise. Liam went to a day mother when he was 6 months old and I moved him to a school (well its called a stimulation centre) at 8 months. Because of the fact that I stayed at home for 6 months after having Liam, he went to school later than the average working mom's baby.
With Liam I seriously had severe post-natal depression. I never fully understood how debilitating depression could be until experiencing it first hand. Now I believe that this was partly due to Liam's very traumatic birth, but secondly, due to me spending way too much time on my own and on that old faithful, google...
SO this time around I decided that I would stay at home for 2 months, and partially return to work thereafter. This means that I will do the bulk of my work from home, and I will go into the office a couple of times a week. I have been training Sekai for this, she knows everything she needs to know, she is an angel and she loves Luka like her own.
Luka's place in the baby centre has been booked and she will be joining other babies there on 1 August when she is 3 and a half months old. Yes, its young, but I seriously need to get back to work full time from 2 weeks thereafter.
So why is it that despite the fact that I have the most understanding husband in the world, despite the fact that I love Luka dearly and that Gerhard and I both agree that Liam is a very clever, well adjusted little boy as a result of the fact that he went to school from a young age I still feel so darn guilty. That I do not know how I will balance all of this. That I sometimes feel like giving in and just becoming the stay at home mommy I am so desperately trying to avoid becoming?
Men will never truly understand how difficult it is to achieve balance, to find time for them, the kids, the job, studies (yes, at my age I am still studying), cooking, feeding, clothing, nursing them back to health.
I cannot remember when last I was sick. I am not talking about a runny nose here, I am talking about stay in bed sick and dying sick. The reason, not my great genes as my husband always jokes, its just that there is simply no time for me to be sick.
My husband is always giving me grief because I am mostly in a hurry, hell yes, its because there are only 24 hours in a day and I need to make up some hours somewhere. So if I can bath a baby in 2 minutes flat as opposed to 20, it means that I made up 18 minutes that can rather be used to read the kids a story. If we can all be dressed and in the kitchen in 30 minutes (a stretch I know) it means we can cook a proper breakfast, and not eat sugary cereals. You see where I am going with this.
Well, guilt trip galore is obviously when I leave Liam at school an hour late and get a facial, massage or even my highlights done again. I have not attempted this with Luka yet, although I am soooo leaving her with Sekai for an hour next week to go for a facial. This week, I actually felt guilty for leaving her with Sekai so that I can get my flabby ass to gym, something much needed.
So I know nothing in the world is ever going to change, I will remain the primary caregiver despite also holding a demanding job. I will be the person kissing the majority of all ailments better, I will be in charge of cooking, cleaning, responsible for deciding where we go for date night, in between I will find 1 minute in the morning to brush my teeth, slap on some make up, I will be sterilising bottles, packing lunches, looking for missing spiderman t-shirts, arranging third birthday parties, working, drafting our wills, getting passports and birth certificates for the kids. And then my husband (that I honestly do love dearly) will come home in the evenings and tell me that I will not believe the day that he just had...yes sweetie, I will never believe it. And then he complains that there is just never time to play golf.
I always knew that woman ruled the world, I just never truly realised how we have morphed into a super species. So to all the mothers out there, this one is for you. . .
Comments
Post a Comment